I'm not angry at God, or strokes, or doctors. I'm angry at myself.
When was the last time I visited her? I'm not even 100% sure. I want to say it was last summer, but was it sometime around the holidays in 2011? I honestly don't know. Oh, I had planned on making the 90 minute trek up to Saginaw many times, but something always seemed to get in the way. One of us would be sick, or another time she herself was sick, other times I had my dog with me and still other times I just couldn't fit it into my schedule. What the hell is that all about? What kind of god am I kneeling to when some stupid thing (I don't even remember what it was) took precedence over visiting with someone I love, time and time again? What was so much more important? I couldn't even tell you.
Don't tell me "Mom's are busy. That's how life goes. You have four young kids. It's not your fault, don't beat yourself up." .....I don't want to hear it. Honestly, I don't. If it's not my fault that I didn't make it up to see her in at least a year's time then who's is it? What's even worse is that the last few times I planned on going up, I didn't even tell her, so she had no idea I was even thinking about her. I couldn't call her on the phone because she couldn't hear well enough. And now the last time I will have ever seen her this side of heaven was yesterday, when she had absolutely no idea I was there.
The pace of this American life is brutal. I have tried very hard to step back from it the past few months, but it seems to suck me back in before I even realize what's happening. I am not made for this type of lifestyle and, quite honestly, I don't think anyone was. When we are too busy to care for the important people in our lives, then we've lost what life is about. I'm not talking about the unavoidable type of busy that comes around from time to time for various reasons, that's a part of life. I'm talking about the kind of busy where visiting a loved one feels like another item to check off your list rather than a time to look forward to. I never wanted my grandmother to feel as though I didn't have time for her, though I fear that's exactly what I did. And now I can't do anything about it.
When I saw her yesterday, I laid my hands on her and prayed. I touched her face and spoke to her, hoping that her spirit would hear since I knew her ears couldn't. I told her that we'd love to have her back, but if she was too tired it was OK for her to go, Jesus would love to have her too. I told her to do what she wanted to do. That everyone was here and we loved her, and that we'd see her again, one way or another. How I wish she would have opened her eyes and gave me that sly little look she used to always give me. How I wish she would have reached her arms out and pulled me in for a kiss on the cheek and a whisper of something clever in my ear. A year ago she would have. A month ago she would have. A week ago she would have. But not yesterday. And today she is gone.
I'm disabling comments for this post because I really don't want to 'talk' about this right now. I may enable them in the future but that will remain to be seen. I just needed to get this out there and maybe, it might save someone from their own schedule. God created us to be relational, in deep community with one another, not so entrenched in our own "to-dos" that we miss out on opportunities to spend time just being with one another. My prayer for myself and for everyone is that we allow God to slow us down and return our focus to what He made us for, to the only thing of real importance at all in this life: loving Him and loving others.
Update: 6-24-14 Comments enabled.
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