Planning to Wait

I'm a planner. I like to know what I'm doing ahead of time so I can arrange everything about my day accordingly. Running a household of 6 people necessitates it. So you can imagine how stressful it is for me when I don't get a clear signal from the Lord as to what my next steps should be. I spend most of my waking moments trying to figure out what it is I am to do and I go to sleep and dream dreams of frustration and anxiety. Perhaps you can relate?

The other day I had the chance to speak to a very close friend of mine for the first time in awhile. She moved to the other side of the state awhile back and with our busy schedules we don't get to catch up as often as we'd like. As the conversation progressed she asked me how I was adjusting to this new phase in my life (she had read my previous post) and if I had decided on a plan yet. I told her how I was struggling and she says to me: "Well, I hope you're not thinking you have to hurry up and get out there and do something really big right away." ......

It was at that moment, after hearing her verbalize it, that I realized that that was exactly what I was thinking.

I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to be "who God created me to be" and for some reason, in my mind, that is someone BIG. Someone who changes the world somehow for the better. Someone who sets the captives free and cares for the orphans and widows. For some reason I had put these tasks, assigned to all of us from God, on myself on a grand scale. I got it in my mind that, in order to please God, I had to get to the level of Mother Teresa in one area of need or in many, and fast. This idea of needing to do something HUGE and QUICKLY has caused me to accomplish nothing but exhausting myself by creating a state of anxiety fueled by the fear that I'm failing God by not being able to figure this out. My friend's comment hit me square in the face and made me start to see the truth of what God wants me to do. I truly believe God spoke to me through her (wouldn't be the first time!) and told me to STOP. He reminded me that anxiety and fear do not come from Him, nor do confusion or stress. He reminded me that, although He may or may not have "BIG" plans for my life, He will reveal to me what I am to do in small increments, when the time is right. He reminded me that "great" things aren't always "BIG" things, but all things done in line with His will are precious things to Him.

I realized that, no matter how many times I've believed I have eradicated this pattern of thinking in the past, I'd fallen right back into the belief of a "works based" belief system. I had again picked up the burden of believing I had to prove myself to God, essentially saying that Jesus' sacrifice on the cross wasn't enough to cover the things I'd done or failed to do, and I didn't even notice it.

This morning, as I read my devotional, the text struck me. It read: 

"This is my desire for you: that you stay near Me as you walk along your life path." "Although you may feel as if you are going nowhere in this world, your spiritual journey is another matter altogether..." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young - I highly recommend it!)

I realized, again, that all He requires of me is to stay near to Him. That's it. That's all. If I can do that, He'll let me know exactly what I'm to do and when I am to do it. Simple, yet so easily forgotten. 

What Will Become of Me?

Right now, as I sip coffee and type away on my front porch, I am undisturbed. The usual sounds of little feet trudging down the stairs and little hands opening the front door are absent. If I feel the need, I can go inside and use the bathroom without having to lock anyone out. You see, today is the first day that all four of my children are in school full time. Today is the first time in nine years that I don't have a little one at home (or two) to take care of and drag around town with me. Today is the first day of a new chapter in my life, and I can't help but wondering......

.....what will become of me? Even now I keep thinking that I should speed this up so I might have a chance of finishing this paragraph before she wakes up. Then I have to remind myself that she's already up....and gone! I don't have to worry about fitting what I need to do in the couple of hours available between meals. Hell, I can skip lunch altogether if I want to! The joy! I don't have to stress over whether or not she is going to run out of the yard the moment I turn my back. The relief! I don't even have to answer countless questions over, and over, and over again all .....day.....long. The rapture!

(Yes, I love my kids and I am already missing that little peanut. Is that clear? Let's move on then.)

Now that my schedule is finally my own (between the hours of 7am-5pm anyway), I find myself at a little bit of a loss as to what to do with it. Of course there are the obvious things that must get done like housework, grocery shopping, basic hygiene, etc..., but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about me. My life. My purpose. What I was put here on Earth to do outside of my familial obligations. What is it?

I could do aerobics in here.

I was hoping I'd have that figured out by now, but I don't. If you know me, then you know I'm a planner and not having a legit plan is rather troubling. I have spent the last nine years planning out, mulling over, and executing what I believed to be the best options for my four children. In those years, there were few times where I truly did the same for myself. My time was all but consumed with them, at no fault of their own, and that was OK. I wouldn't change that for anything even if I could. Now that their need for me and my time has changed significantly, I have to completely refocus my time and energy during the day and I'm realizing that that might be a tougher task than I'd originally thought. Perhaps the significant drop in interruptions will help bring around some clarity. Right now, so many ideas and half contemplated possibilities are flying around in my head that I can barely focus on what I'm typing. I feel like a Choose Your Own Adventure book at a seemingly mundane but secretly pivotal point. Where do I go from here? Which heart cry do I give heed to? How do I know which move is the best one?

The one thing I am sure of is that I need to give myself some grace and some time to adjust to this new normal. I need to allow my head to clear and fully embrace this new season. I need to trust that God will reveal what I need, when I need it, and not a moment before. I need to stop trying to see the final outcome, and focus on only what is right in front of me. As of right now, that is everything.