The other day I had the chance to speak to a very close friend of mine for the first time in awhile. She moved to the other side of the state awhile back and with our busy schedules we don't get to catch up as often as we'd like. As the conversation progressed she asked me how I was adjusting to this new phase in my life (she had read my previous post) and if I had decided on a plan yet. I told her how I was struggling and she says to me: "Well, I hope you're not thinking you have to hurry up and get out there and do something really big right away." ......
It was at that moment, after hearing her verbalize it, that I realized that that was exactly what I was thinking.
I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to be "who God created me to be" and for some reason, in my mind, that is someone BIG. Someone who changes the world somehow for the better. Someone who sets the captives free and cares for the orphans and widows. For some reason I had put these tasks, assigned to all of us from God, on myself on a grand scale. I got it in my mind that, in order to please God, I had to get to the level of Mother Teresa in one area of need or in many, and fast. This idea of needing to do something HUGE and QUICKLY has caused me to accomplish nothing but exhausting myself by creating a state of anxiety fueled by the fear that I'm failing God by not being able to figure this out. My friend's comment hit me square in the face and made me start to see the truth of what God wants me to do. I truly believe God spoke to me through her (wouldn't be the first time!) and told me to STOP. He reminded me that anxiety and fear do not come from Him, nor do confusion or stress. He reminded me that, although He may or may not have "BIG" plans for my life, He will reveal to me what I am to do in small increments, when the time is right. He reminded me that "great" things aren't always "BIG" things, but all things done in line with His will are precious things to Him.
I realized that, no matter how many times I've believed I have eradicated this pattern of thinking in the past, I'd fallen right back into the belief of a "works based" belief system. I had again picked up the burden of believing I had to prove myself to God, essentially saying that Jesus' sacrifice on the cross wasn't enough to cover the things I'd done or failed to do, and I didn't even notice it.
This morning, as I read my devotional, the text struck me. It read:
"This is my desire for you: that you stay near Me as you walk along your life path." "Although you may feel as if you are going nowhere in this world, your spiritual journey is another matter altogether..." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young - I highly recommend it!)
I realized, again, that all He requires of me is to stay near to Him. That's it. That's all. If I can do that, He'll let me know exactly what I'm to do and when I am to do it. Simple, yet so easily forgotten.
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